Life doesn't stop

Well, so far I've been sticking to most of my New Year Resolutions.

I guess I haven't been super good at making necessary doctors appointments, but I finally got the dentist scheduled for mid-April.

Exercise is going well. I catch myself checking myself out in the mirror a lot, so the getting in shape thing is working, even though I haven't lost very much weight. Any weight loss can be attributed to a bout of the flu halfway through January. Instead of a gym membership, though, I work out at home because I bought my brother's elliptical, and pay myself to work out. Plus instead of getting home at 8:30pm every night, I now can get home at 7, and work out at home. My cat enjoys sitting on me while I am doing yoga, and playing with my resistance bands and balance ball. Quality time with her is good, too.

Saving money is going mostly well. I can't eat less than $100 of food in a month if I want fresh fruit/veggies, which I do. I've been a super couponer though, and have only bought food at a restaurant twice since January 1st.

I don't think cleaning was a resolution, but I'm failing at it in any case. Now that my roommate moved out, I don't really have a reason to clean. She left some bowls and plates, and I brought mugs from home, so now I can go even longer before I have to wash them.

I have been winning at reading, though (you should read the hunger games and if you like fantasy, A Game of Thrones. Go!). And playing pokemon. And listening to new-to-me music. Also not resolutions, but things I'd been meaning to do.

I just need now to find a better job and a new place to live. I like my job, but if I can get a higher paying job with the same benefits, I will. I also can't afford to live in a 2 bedroom on my own, but I don't really like living with other people, I've realized. Perhaps a 1 bedroom would be better, even though it would reinforce my hermit-like behavior. But I'm a lazy, sometimes anti-social, crude person to live with. Perhaps living on my own for a while would suit me better.

Happiness is

Not a warm gun, despite what the Beatles may tell you. Although, that is relative. Some people probably really enjoy warm guns.

In any case, I think I am a very happy person. At my lowest, I am weary, but more that 90% of the time, I am content. Someone can be ruder than a toot, and I might feel a little flustered, but I am still generally happy. I am comfortable in almost every situation.

I don't really know why, though. I never try to be happy. I don't look for ways to make my life more enjoyable. But at the same time, I don't think I'm settling for something that could be better. Life is life. Some things you can control. Other things, you can't.

Not to say I don't wish things could be better. I could always use more money, for example. But I am not miserably poor, and I am really grateful for that. The only control I have over my income is how much I work, and I'm applying for a second job, and trying to glean as many hours as I can from the bank.

I really don't have any other problems in my life. I'm sure I could find some, if I looked. I should probably be lonely, but if I were lonely, I'd probably do something about it. I should want to find a significant other, but if I really wanted one, I'd try and find one.

Although I'm not sure how successful I would be. Life happens to us. We react to our situations. There's only so much we can do to make a life. I can't find an elderly rich relative out of nowhere to find more money (plus, that'd be elder abuse), and I am not so poor that I would even consider a sugar daddy (which could also be elder abuse!).

Maybe more ambition and discomfort would do me good. Might get me further towards my goals than where I am now. Or it might make me unhappy because I am not reaching them fast enough.

Workiversary

I've been working at Target for one month today. I like it a lot. It can be a little stressful sometimes, and the scheduling can be annoying, but overall, I enjoy going to work everyday. Not to mention it gives me a lot of exercise, between biking 4 miles there and back, and walking for almost the entire time I work.

The 10% discount is nice, too. Also, knowing what's on sale and what just went on clearance. For example, I bought an eggplant polo and a purple and green striped Tshirt for a total of $7 today. I put them on the clearance racks this morning. Can you tell I like purple?

Also, working at Target gives me an opportunity to interact with kids and regular people. At St. Olaf, things get a little isolated, and I interact with students and people with Ph. Ds. And students and doctors of philosophy are not regular people. So, my jobs let me interact with people whose life doesn't revolve around the Ivory Tower. Also, listening to kids whine "Daddy, I need a bike. Can we get this bike? I need it. Daddy, I need this bike!" or scream just to hear themselves scream reminds me that I can wait many many years to start thinking about kids.

Also, dog food is expensive. A reminder that I cannot afford a dog right now, even though I can't have one anyway. But still, I'd love to adopt a big ol' mutt or two. Or even foster an older dog.

Postal, going.

I feel inspired by all the recent posts. I will post (aka. I don't want to finish writing my to-do list and go to bed). I'm not actually going postal (but ask me again in a few weeks. We'll see).

I thought I should just post that my life is good. I don't really have time for a huge social life, but I don't really need one. I am happy with a small social life.

I am also happy being single. I know a lot of people find that odd, but ever I find myself happier more often than I was when I was in a relationship. Even though it was great, being in a relationship is a lot of work. I would rather focus on myself, because I don't have a lot of energy to spare. I find myself reluctant to enter into anything with anyone. I like being single, and I think I will stay that way for a while.

Unless, of course, someone comes along who happens to make me feel being in a relationship with them is better than not. And when that happens, I will probably find energy and time to give to them.

I suppose this note is inspired by an awkward, and repeated, conversation with my dad's wife who says things like "you're never going to find another one like him!" and "He treated you good, you got along with his mother and family. Those don't come around to often." It was good, but it was also a lot of stress and tears. Worth it, but still not always peachy.

Also inspired by all of the new and ended relationship notifications that pop up on facebook.

Spring, anyone?

Foggy Walks

Walking down a foggy, well-lit street is a dream. I walk and walk but I feel like I'm floating. I can see dim shapes but can never tell what they are. I just know they're there. I see disembodied lights zoom past, and they sound like they should be cars, but I cannot see the cars and the sound is a mile away.

There are people. Or, I assume they're people. I can't tell if they're walking towards me or away from me. I cannot tell who they are, or what they look like until we are on top of each other. Then I see the white glint of eye contact and a toothy smile. Then they're gone, and I can't even make out what the button on their backpack reads. Then it is just me, and one person walking away.

I jump as a streetlight turns off. It's the streetlight that always turns off, or on, as I walk past it. Every day, like Dumbledore with his Put Outer, the light turns off, or on. Even in a foggy dreamland, the light goes off, suddenly and surprisingly.

The person ahead of me is gone. I can't tell where they went, or could have gone in the few seconds I was glaring at the streetlight. Everything is gone. All I can see of Hogwarts is the foggy outline of a giant H, which I assume is a goalpost from the rugby field. I cannot even see the familiar lights of the library or the smokestack from the power plant. All I can see is streetlights and the lights of Mary Titus' living room, where I imagine she is curled up in a chair with a mug of tea, reading southern feminist literature, listening to her cockatoo squawk because that's what Mary Titus does.

More carless lights drive by. One pair of lights are playing My Sharona loudly. Dogs bark, worlds away. I cough, and even that sounds like it is a million miles from my throat. I am floating. The splashing from my boots in the puddles are a distant lakeshore.

I do not feel anything, or hear anything, or see anything but distance.

And that is why I love fog.

Decade/Year in Review

I was going to review the year, but it wasn't that great. I guess I successfully completed my sophomore year of college, helped restart the non-religious student organization at St. Olaf, coordinated a lot of events for GLOW and the GSC, played in a Scrabble tournament, got a DS Lite, rented my first apartment, got a new cell phone, turned 21 (and survived), got my wisdom teeth out, became a supervisor at work, got a second job, and actually read books that I enjoyed not just academic texts.

Now that I think about it, it was decent. Still spent most of it stressed out to the point where I wasn't very happy. My only solace was hard work and Pokemon.

The decade overall was good. Just think, 10 years ago. I was 11, just beginning my life in middle school. I think it would be impossible to get worse than middle school. In the past decade, I have got my first email address, started getting my period, stopped getting my period, had crushes, kind of had a boyfriend, dumped him, had a boyfriend, got dumped, traveled overseas to England, France, the Bahamas, and Monaco, traveled over land to many different states, lived through middle school, graduated high school (with highest honors), was accepted into a prestigious liberal arts college, loved it (so far), drank my first alcohol, avoided smoking anything (including oak leaves, my first experience being pressured to smoke), avoided any grade lower than a B-, had my first surgery (wisdom teeth), drove for the first time, disliked driving for the first time, rode a train for the first time, cut my hair, wore my first bra, stopped shaving my legs, got my first tattoo, avoided any cavities, saw the Lord of the Rings (several times) which is still my favorite movie ever (yes, all three just make one big epic movie), became extroverted (but only just), became interested in clothes and appearance, became disinterested in clothes and appearance, got my first pimple (and have had them ever since), wrote a novel, tried to write more, had my first political discussion, came out as bisexual, then pansexual, and genderqueer, realized I am an atheist, started an online diary, a facebook, a deviantart and a blog, alienated a couple people, networked with countless more, and many other interesting milestones that I could list forever.

Yes, the decade overall was better than the year.

Next decade, I'm kicking it off right! Tomorrow I leave for Italy, Slovenia, Croatia and Bosnia for a month. I am going with a class, and we are studying political identity in Central Europe by looking at former Yugoslavia. I am extremely excited and I hope I am one of the lucky people whose lives are changed by their travel abroad experience. Also, I hope to take an awesome picture so I can win the photo contest when I get back in February.

Ch-ch-changes

I have changed a lot.
I no longer enjoy sunburn as much as I did before.
I enjoy chilly weather more, because I get to wear sweatpants.
I wear sweatpants.
I picked Batman over candy.
I have more respect for other religions.
I hate being around people practicing their religion. Praying, church, etc. Keep me out of it.
I no longer have a common interest with most of my friends.
I am sad by how much I've grown apart from friends.
I love Indian food.
I prefer to cook than microwave, even if I'm hungry and just woke up.
I have grown up a little bit more.
I drink soda once every month or two.
I LOVE CINNAMON ROLLS!
I like tea. When did that happen?
I have a tattoo.
I am swimming, metaphorically, in the sea of identity confusion.
I am not a man.
I am not a woman.
I love my body.
I no longer care to find accurate labels for my various identities.
I no longer care to have an opinion about things I can't effect.
I like having intellectually stimulating conversations.
I don't hug or cuddle as often as I'd like anymore.
I do not shave my legs.
I prefer to eat 100% whole wheat bread.
I don't listen to music every day.
I have regrets. I never had those in high school. Maybe it was the hormones.
I kind of want to stop birth control, if only to be able to sell my eggs. But then I would have to think about my reproductive system and get periods.
I resent my reproductive system, at least the lining of my uterus and ovaries. The fallopian tubes and uterus itself are ok, though.
I have become really ambitious. Where was that before I turned 17?
I have little patience for glamour and glitz.
I have become shy again. Maybe some teenage hormones would be good, just not as much as puberty.
I don't understand why I don't have a summer job for the second year in a row.

These are some things that have changed since high school.